Legally Speaking Why Bad Mouthing Your Ex To Your Children Is Bad For Your Children By Scott Berry Berry Law Offices The desire to bad mouth your spouse to your child is tempting when going through a divorce. The pain your child is feeling is a result of the actions, or inactions, of your spouse, right? And now you are in the position of trying to pick up the pieces and put everything back together. There is no question that you have grounds to share with your child how your spouse screwed up in order to preserve yourselt. Attempt to create rules with your spouse on how communication is to take place to allow you to Co-parent after you are no longer married. 2. Ifthe animosity and bad mouthing continues by your spouse, take steps to not engage them or fight back. Instead, focus on your own behavior. Not only will you gain respect from your children, your behavior will affect your spouse. 3. Figure out how to redefine your relationship from married parents to a relationship in which you are no longer married but working as co-par- ents to your children, But, stop there. Your child knows your spouse's problem areas. However, as pointed out in an article by Beyond Words Psychological Serviceslil. "Seceing or knowing that a parent made a poor choice is different than being constantly reminded ofit by your other parent."N pens, it is natural for most children to continue to love their parents unconditionally and seek both parents' acceptance and approval. When anyone puts down a child's parent, it hurts, it even hurts more ifthe person doing it is their other parent. You are essentially bad mouthing half of your child when you bad mouth your spouse. 4. Take steps to diffuse the conflict by using methods to communicate such as emails and par- enting journals. Avoid putting your children in the middie, do not even ask them to relay messages to the other parent. o matter what hap- 5. Finally, listen to your child's voice. Try to put yourself into your child's shoes to understand what they are experiencing. On top of that, the child ends up in a terrible position, thinking they have to choose sides, re- sulting in an immense amount of guilt and shame. According to the Beyond Words Psychologikal Services article, "It can lkad to poor self-esteem, self-blaming and self-hatred, which can turm into substance abuse, legal problems, eating disorders and self-injurious behaviors." A Minnesota Judge shares some blunt words in a open 2001 letter to divorcing parents, "Your children have come into this world because ofthe two of you. Perhaps you two made lousy choices as to whom you decided to be the other parent. If s0, that is your problem and your fault. Tamara Afifi, a Professor in the Department of Communication at UCSB, during a TEDX Talk, discusses the impact of divorce on children, specifically identifying physical and physiolog- ical reactions children have to their parents conflictiil. Children whose parents are involved in a high-conflict divorce will have the potential to have physiological stress reactions such as increased heart rate and stress hormones and tend to exhibit behaviors such as avoidance or No matter what you think of the other party-or what your family thinks of the other party-these children are one-half ofeach of you. Remember that, because every time you tell your child what an "idiot" his father is, or what a "fool" his mother is, or how bad the absent parent is, or what terrible things that person has done, you are telling the child half of him is bad. That is an unforgivable thing to do toa child. That is not love. That is possession. If you do that to your children, you will destroy them as surely as if you had cut them into pieces, because that is what you are doing to their emotions. aggression. Richard A. Warshak, a psychologist and clinical professor at the University of Texas Southwestern Medical Center, says that while divorce may hurt kids in the short run, children can escape long term emotional scarsli). Parents must handile their separation well and not expose their children suffer." (N] to hatred and animesity by keeping complaints between themselves. I sincerely hope that you do not do that to your children. Think more about your children and less about yourselves, and make yours a selfless kind of love, not foolish or selfish, or your children will Mww gronbeyendverts.com/ammunication why badnouthing the other parent hurts your-did ngyoutu beitkelytman So what can parents do? IMOhttp:www.bnem.comieideing with AM, in her TEDX Talk, provides a series of proat- tive steps to avoid hostility with your spouse: divan paan IM Mimesota ludge Has 200 Blut Worth far Divercing Parents ledge Michael Haan, 2001 1. Take steps to cooperate with your spouse. Additional Questions? Call or email Scott to schedule a free appointment. dsberryeberrylawoffices.com 206 South Rum River Drive Downtown Princeton BERRY LAW OFFICES 763-389-0178 Contact Scott Berry - Attorney at Law Legally Speaking Why Bad Mouthing Your Ex To Your Children Is Bad For Your Children By Scott Berry Berry Law Offices The desire to bad mouth your spouse to your child is tempting when going through a divorce. The pain your child is feeling is a result of the actions, or inactions, of your spouse, right? And now you are in the position of trying to pick up the pieces and put everything back together. There is no question that you have grounds to share with your child how your spouse screwed up in order to preserve yourselt. Attempt to create rules with your spouse on how communication is to take place to allow you to Co-parent after you are no longer married. 2. Ifthe animosity and bad mouthing continues by your spouse, take steps to not engage them or fight back. Instead, focus on your own behavior. Not only will you gain respect from your children, your behavior will affect your spouse. 3. Figure out how to redefine your relationship from married parents to a relationship in which you are no longer married but working as co-par- ents to your children, But, stop there. Your child knows your spouse's problem areas. However, as pointed out in an article by Beyond Words Psychological Serviceslil. "Seceing or knowing that a parent made a poor choice is different than being constantly reminded ofit by your other parent."N pens, it is natural for most children to continue to love their parents unconditionally and seek both parents' acceptance and approval. When anyone puts down a child's parent, it hurts, it even hurts more ifthe person doing it is their other parent. You are essentially bad mouthing half of your child when you bad mouth your spouse. 4. Take steps to diffuse the conflict by using methods to communicate such as emails and par- enting journals. Avoid putting your children in the middie, do not even ask them to relay messages to the other parent. o matter what hap- 5. Finally, listen to your child's voice. Try to put yourself into your child's shoes to understand what they are experiencing. On top of that, the child ends up in a terrible position, thinking they have to choose sides, re- sulting in an immense amount of guilt and shame. According to the Beyond Words Psychologikal Services article, "It can lkad to poor self-esteem, self-blaming and self-hatred, which can turm into substance abuse, legal problems, eating disorders and self-injurious behaviors." A Minnesota Judge shares some blunt words in a open 2001 letter to divorcing parents, "Your children have come into this world because ofthe two of you. Perhaps you two made lousy choices as to whom you decided to be the other parent. If s0, that is your problem and your fault. Tamara Afifi, a Professor in the Department of Communication at UCSB, during a TEDX Talk, discusses the impact of divorce on children, specifically identifying physical and physiolog- ical reactions children have to their parents conflictiil. Children whose parents are involved in a high-conflict divorce will have the potential to have physiological stress reactions such as increased heart rate and stress hormones and tend to exhibit behaviors such as avoidance or No matter what you think of the other party-or what your family thinks of the other party-these children are one-half ofeach of you. Remember that, because every time you tell your child what an "idiot" his father is, or what a "fool" his mother is, or how bad the absent parent is, or what terrible things that person has done, you are telling the child half of him is bad. That is an unforgivable thing to do toa child. That is not love. That is possession. If you do that to your children, you will destroy them as surely as if you had cut them into pieces, because that is what you are doing to their emotions. aggression. Richard A. Warshak, a psychologist and clinical professor at the University of Texas Southwestern Medical Center, says that while divorce may hurt kids in the short run, children can escape long term emotional scarsli). Parents must handile their separation well and not expose their children suffer." (N] to hatred and animesity by keeping complaints between themselves. I sincerely hope that you do not do that to your children. Think more about your children and less about yourselves, and make yours a selfless kind of love, not foolish or selfish, or your children will Mww gronbeyendverts.com/ammunication why badnouthing the other parent hurts your-did ngyoutu beitkelytman So what can parents do? IMOhttp:www.bnem.comieideing with AM, in her TEDX Talk, provides a series of proat- tive steps to avoid hostility with your spouse: divan paan IM Mimesota ludge Has 200 Blut Worth far Divercing Parents ledge Michael Haan, 2001 1. Take steps to cooperate with your spouse. Additional Questions? Call or email Scott to schedule a free appointment. dsberryeberrylawoffices.com 206 South Rum River Drive Downtown Princeton BERRY LAW OFFICES 763-389-0178 Contact Scott Berry - Attorney at Law