Legally Speaking Why Bad Mouthing Your Ex To Your Children Is Bad For Your Children By Scott BerryBerry Law Offices The desire to bad mouth your spouse to your child is tempting when going theough a divorce. The pain your child is feelingis a result of the actions, orinactions, of your spouse, right? And nowyou are in the position oftrying to pick up the pieces and put everything backtogether. There is no question that you have grounds to share with your child how your spouse screwed up in order to preserve yourself Attempt to create rules with your spouse on how communication is to take place to allow you to co-parent after you are no longer married. 2.Ifthe animosity and bad mouthing continues by your spouse, take steps to not engage them or fight back. Instead, focus on your own behavior Not only will you gain respect from your children, your behavior will affect your spouse 3.Figure out how to redefine your relationship frommaried parents to a relationship in which you are no longer maried but working as co-par- ents to your children But,stop there. Your child knows your spouse's problem areas. However, as pointed out in an artile by Beyond Words Psychological Servicesil "Seeing or knowing thata parent made a poor choice is different than being constantly reminded of it by your other parent. No matter what hap pens, it is natural foe most children to continueto love their parents unconditionally and seek both parents acceptance and approval. When anyone puts down a child's parent, it hurts, it even hurts more if the person doing it is their other parent You are essentially bad mouthing half of your child when you bad mouth your spouse 4Take steps to diffuse the conflict by using methods to communicate such as emails and par entingjournals. Avoid putting your children in the middie, do not even ask them to relay messages to the other parent S.Finally, listen to your child's voice. Tryto put yourself into your child's shoes to understand what they are experiencing A Minnesota Judge shares some blunt words in aopen 2001 letter to divorcing parents, "Your children have come into this world because of the two of you. Perhaps you two made lousy choices asto whom you dedided to be the other parent. If so, that is your problem and your fault. Ontop ofthat, the child ends upin a terible pesition, thinking they have to choose sides, re sulting in an immense amount of guilt and shame Accerding to the Beyond Words Psychologikal Services article, "It can lead to poor self-esteem, self-blaming and self-hatred, which can turn into substance abuse, legal problems, eating disorders and self-injurious behavioes No matter what you think of the other party-or what your family thinks of the other party-these children are one-half of each of you. Remember that, because every timeyou tell your child what an "idiot his fatheris, or what a "fool his mother is, or howbad the absent parent is, or what terrible things that person has done, you are telling the child half of him is bad. Tamara Afifi, a Professor in the Department of Communication at UCSB, during a TEDx Talk, disusses the impact of divorce on children, specifically identifying physical and physiolog icalreactions children have to their parents conficti Children whose parents are involved in a high-confict divorce will have the potential to have physiological stress reactions such as increased heart rate andstress hormones and tend to exhibit behaviors such as avoidance or That is an unforgivable thing to do to a child. That is not love. That is posession. If youdo that to your children, you will destroy them as surely as if you had cut them into pieces, because that is what you are doing totheir emotions. aggression Richard A. Warshak, a psychologist and cdlinical professor at the University of Texas Southwestern Medical Center, says that while diveece may hurt kids in the short run, children can escape long tem emotional scarslil. Parents must handle their separation well andnot expose their children to hatred and animosity by keeping complaints between themselves sincerely hope that you do not do that to your children. Think more about your children andless about yourselves, and make yours a selfless kind of love, not foolish or selfish, oe your children will suffer" liv w.wbeyndwret.comicationy badmouthing-the eher-parest hts your-chi youtabekcyo www.cbsews.co ealingwith So what can parents do? A, in her TEDx Talk, provides a series of proa tive steps to avoid hostility with your spouse div pono Mnesta Judge Has 200Blnt Words for Divercing Parests dge Mchael Haax, 200 1. Take steps to cooperate with your spouse Additional Questions? Call or email Scott or Allison to schedule a free appointment dsberry@berrylawoffices.com alondgren@berrylawoffices.com 206 South Rum River Drive Downtown Princeton 763-389-0178 BERRY LAW OFFICES Contact Scott Berry Attorney at Law Legally Speaking Why Bad Mouthing Your Ex To Your Children Is Bad For Your Children By Scott BerryBerry Law Offices The desire to bad mouth your spouse to your child is tempting when going theough a divorce. The pain your child is feelingis a result of the actions, orinactions, of your spouse, right? And nowyou are in the position oftrying to pick up the pieces and put everything backtogether. There is no question that you have grounds to share with your child how your spouse screwed up in order to preserve yourself Attempt to create rules with your spouse on how communication is to take place to allow you to co-parent after you are no longer married. 2.Ifthe animosity and bad mouthing continues by your spouse, take steps to not engage them or fight back. Instead, focus on your own behavior Not only will you gain respect from your children, your behavior will affect your spouse 3.Figure out how to redefine your relationship frommaried parents to a relationship in which you are no longer maried but working as co-par- ents to your children But,stop there. Your child knows your spouse's problem areas. However, as pointed out in an artile by Beyond Words Psychological Servicesil "Seeing or knowing thata parent made a poor choice is different than being constantly reminded of it by your other parent. No matter what hap pens, it is natural foe most children to continueto love their parents unconditionally and seek both parents acceptance and approval. When anyone puts down a child's parent, it hurts, it even hurts more if the person doing it is their other parent You are essentially bad mouthing half of your child when you bad mouth your spouse 4Take steps to diffuse the conflict by using methods to communicate such as emails and par entingjournals. Avoid putting your children in the middie, do not even ask them to relay messages to the other parent S.Finally, listen to your child's voice. Tryto put yourself into your child's shoes to understand what they are experiencing A Minnesota Judge shares some blunt words in aopen 2001 letter to divorcing parents, "Your children have come into this world because of the two of you. Perhaps you two made lousy choices asto whom you dedided to be the other parent. If so, that is your problem and your fault. Ontop ofthat, the child ends upin a terible pesition, thinking they have to choose sides, re sulting in an immense amount of guilt and shame Accerding to the Beyond Words Psychologikal Services article, "It can lead to poor self-esteem, self-blaming and self-hatred, which can turn into substance abuse, legal problems, eating disorders and self-injurious behavioes No matter what you think of the other party-or what your family thinks of the other party-these children are one-half of each of you. Remember that, because every timeyou tell your child what an "idiot his fatheris, or what a "fool his mother is, or howbad the absent parent is, or what terrible things that person has done, you are telling the child half of him is bad. Tamara Afifi, a Professor in the Department of Communication at UCSB, during a TEDx Talk, disusses the impact of divorce on children, specifically identifying physical and physiolog icalreactions children have to their parents conficti Children whose parents are involved in a high-confict divorce will have the potential to have physiological stress reactions such as increased heart rate andstress hormones and tend to exhibit behaviors such as avoidance or That is an unforgivable thing to do to a child. That is not love. That is posession. If youdo that to your children, you will destroy them as surely as if you had cut them into pieces, because that is what you are doing totheir emotions. aggression Richard A. Warshak, a psychologist and cdlinical professor at the University of Texas Southwestern Medical Center, says that while diveece may hurt kids in the short run, children can escape long tem emotional scarslil. Parents must handle their separation well andnot expose their children to hatred and animosity by keeping complaints between themselves sincerely hope that you do not do that to your children. Think more about your children andless about yourselves, and make yours a selfless kind of love, not foolish or selfish, oe your children will suffer" liv w.wbeyndwret.comicationy badmouthing-the eher-parest hts your-chi youtabekcyo www.cbsews.co ealingwith So what can parents do? A, in her TEDx Talk, provides a series of proa tive steps to avoid hostility with your spouse div pono Mnesta Judge Has 200Blnt Words for Divercing Parests dge Mchael Haax, 200 1. Take steps to cooperate with your spouse Additional Questions? Call or email Scott or Allison to schedule a free appointment dsberry@berrylawoffices.com alondgren@berrylawoffices.com 206 South Rum River Drive Downtown Princeton 763-389-0178 BERRY LAW OFFICES Contact Scott Berry Attorney at Law